The Heat Is Even Disappointing The Haters – The Awl

CoveringtheMiamiHeatwassupposedtobefun,muchlikeasix-hourtriptothecityitself。

Atleastthoseweremyhopes。

Theyweregoingtowinabunchofgames,paradingaroundthecountryglad-handingfansandopponents,andIwasgoingtosit,perchedatopthegrassyknolltakingpotshotsat?

them。

IwasgoingtomockthemthewayImocktheYankeesandPatriots?

—?

publicallyscornful,butsecretlyjealous?

—?

and,atthesametime,IwasgoingtomakefunofthecityofMiami,andtheirfansweregoingtogetangrywithme。

Because,likefansofanyteamwithanoverabundanceofwealth,theywouldbedefensiveandgetallpissy,wonderingwhysomeguytooktimeoutofhis“busyschedule”to?

hate。

But,likethoseplansofbothmiceandmen,Igotscrewed,big-time。

TeamsliketheBostonCeltics,whohaveplayedtogetherformultipleseasons,havebeatenboththeHeatand,byextension,myself,tothepunch,takingtheSouthFloridiansbehindthewoodshed。

AfterhissecondconsecutiveHeatbeating,CelticsstarPaulPierce,neveramasterofsubtlety,madesurehisdisdainforthecircuswasdrivenhomewith…histweeting?

It’sbeenapleasuretobringmytalentstosouthbeachnowontoMemphislessthanaminuteagoviaTwitterfor?

iPhone

PaulPiercepaulpierce34

Yeah,withhistweeting。

What?

And,loandbehold,I’vebeguntofeelbadlyforthem。

Sure,Iexpectedsomestumbles,butreally?

—?

asItoldthegentshere?

—?

theyweregoingtobullytheotherteams…andeveryonehatesbullies。

Andwouldn’titbehystericallyfunnytopointouttheirblemishesastheysteamrolledtheirwaythroughtheseason?

Ohhowheadythelaughswouldbe,Ipromised。

Unfortunately,theHeat,who’vebeenbulliedthemselvesduringgamesabouthalfthetime,nevergotthatmemo。

Andthey’vebeenhumbled?

Already。

Howbadhasitgotten?

Why,evenprofessionalunprofessionalslike“MomJeans”MarkCubanaregettingintotheact,mockingthem(whilehisownteampreparesforitsannuallate-seasonflameout)。

Andwiththeteamhovering?

—?

actuallysquattingismorelikeit?

—?

at5–4,thefansarealreadyfedupandimpatient。

Andconfused。

Afterall,theHeatlookedunstoppablewhentheyweredancingaroundonstageduringtheirunveiling,easilyabletopointtothemselvesandnavigatearoundthestage,unchallengedbydefenders。

Sowhenthefansdiscussedthewinningpercentagepossibilities,overbottleserviceatsomeSouthBeachclub,theycertainlydidn’tthinkthatthreeweeksin,theirrecentlybelovedHeatwouldbeplaying?

500ball。

Theywerethinking,9–1,atworst。

WhichishowIknowthattheair,justoffofI-95,isthickwithapotentmixtureofdisappointment,DrakkarNoirand?

Patrón。

WhenIreadthatstory,Iwasalittleshocked,frankly。

Like,already?

Whatpartof“threeminutesplayingtogetherduringtrainingcamp”didtheynotunderstand?

Teamsneedtimetocoalesce,andfortheHeatthatprocesswouldtake?

awhile。

Atleasttheteamleadershavekeptabravefaceup,urgingeveryonetokeepcalmandcarryon。

Thatis,exceptforLeBronJames,whohasquicklymorphedintoHamlet,firstquestioningthenatureofhisexistence?

—?

beforedistancinghimselffromhisveryowncommentsofadayprior?

—?

andthencompletingtheholytrinityofduncecapmovesbycomparinghimselftothelastguyanyonewouldshouldlikenhimselfto?

—?

RandyMoss,theNFL’sversionofacruiseshipthatnolongerreachesport。

IknowthatifIweretryingtogetpeopletoempathizewithmy“plight”Iwouldn’trushtocomparemyselftoamanwhodrovehimselfoutofabenignfootballtownlikeMinneapolistwice。

ChrisBoshisnohelp,aswediscussedlastweek,playingsoftlyandtentatively。

Soofcoursehedoubles-downbymoaningtoaCanadiannewspaperabouthedoesn’tlikewearinga“blackhat”,despitethefactthatbeingthethirdmosthatedguyonateammeansthatyouareactuallyinvisibleto94%ofthecountry。

It’sgottensobadforhim,inhismind,thatformerreviled,passive,transplantedCanadianVinceCarterofferedhimnotascintillaofadviceorsympathy。

Forhispart,DwyaneWade?

—?

themaestroofthedeal?

—?

hasbeen,asmarble-eyedannouncerStuartScottwouldsay,ascoolastheothersideofthepillow。

Sincehewastherelastyear,Waderealizesthateventuallythefanswillloseinterestandnotcareiftheteamwinsorloses?

—?

justaslongastheycanfindtheirdriversafterthegame。

(Actualproof,here,but,moretroublingly,here。

)Theteam’ssecondbestplayer,Wadehasbeenbusyurgingcalmoutthere,evenwhilestatingtheobvious:“Winningcuresall。

”InthishehastheagreementofboyishHeatcoachEricSpoelstra,theguywhoisgoingtobefiredbytheAll-StarBreakwhenit“suddenlyoccursto”teampresidentPatRileythathishandisneededtorun?

things。

Thequestionis,isanyonelisteningtoreasonoverthesoundofJamesbackpedaling,Boshwhimperingandthetap-tap-tapofthefansiPhoningintheir?

support?

Me,that’swho’slistening。

Forhowmuchlonger,however,isanyone’s?

guess。

TonyGervinoisaNewYorkCity-basededitorandwriterobsessedwithhoninghisbiotomakehimsoundquirky。

Hecanalsobefound?

here。

ImagebyKeithAllisonfrom?


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